Friday, December 3, 2010

Permanent Detour

Today would have been a perfect pj day. Snow falling, cold house.... Some holiday movies, I would have cuddled with Ellie on the couch during nap time instead of doing chores. Or maybe I would have snuggled for a little bit and then put her in her crib so I could wrap presents. There would have been Christmas lights twinkling on the tree in the porch and on the stair railing. Most of the Christmas shopping would already be done and I would have the cupboards stocked with supplies to make all sorts of Christmas treats. I had been fantasizing about this Christmas season since I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. A two year old and almost one year old- the perfect ages for Christmas. The excitement over presents, the family gatherings, the cookies...
Instead I got Max dressed and forced myself into jeans and a sweatshirt. Instead I wrestled a screaming two year old at the post office while I tried to buy stamps so I can get Ellie's thank you cards in the mail. I had to rummage through the empty cupboards to make Max lunch. There are no twinkling lights on our big Christmas tree or the railing. There is a small purple Christmas tree on the porch and a candle in the front window.... Reminders of our girl.

Plans are a funny thing. Really they don't even matter. You can do everything the way you "should" your whole life, make all the right choices and have all your ducks in a row. But in the end, you don't have control over much. I didn't think life could get much better. Yes, we had a hard time getting pregnant but really once the kids were here, I didn't really even care about that. I felt like we did everything we could possibly do to ensure that our happiness was permanent. But life happens. Things that aren't fair and sometimes you just get kicked in the ass, over and over again. In the last two months, Max was diagnosed with autism, Ellie died, our fridge leaked and ruined our kitchen and dining room leaving behind black mold and don't even get me started on the asbestos. All of a sudden we are being shoved down a whole new path, a permanent detour. None of this is what we planned.
I like to know whats coming, I like to plan and organize... yes I like to be in control of my life. If you do "A" and "B" then you should get to "C." Well apparently life doesn't work like that. To say that's a hard lesson learned is a vast understatement. But I gotta say, I don't think we are without some control. I think you always have a choice. I didn't pick this for our lives, but I can pick how we will react to it.

Our plans... Man, I  miss that face.

What life gave us...

What we do have control over.


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