As if I needed another reason...

Valentine's Day was the first holiday we got to celebrate with our Ellie....

I've never been a real big fan of Valentine's Day. Seems pretty manufactured to me. Hallmark has done an excellent job of convincing people the only way to show your affection is to send flowers, chocolate, etc. on Valentine's Day. And if you don't receive the said items, you must not be loved. Ridiculous...
But do I get things and celebrate for the kids anyways? Yes. A chance to make something more exciting for the kids is always a good thing. I'm more into the matching red shirts, heart shaped food & pink desserts. Ellie can't enjoy any of that this year. And Max simply can't handle new or out-of-the-ordinary anything, so that was out...
So today, I really wasn't in the mood for any of the red and pink and flowers, and hearts and all the crap. Last night was a really hard. I really miss her. And I am really mad that our life has been so hard lately. I am tired. Exhausted. It's a lot. Dead baby girl. Autistic toddler. Starting a non-profit. Keeping up with the house. Breathing. Pretending I don't want to punch every stranger I see just for having a stupid smile on their face. It's hard. And it takes a lot of energy.

Anyways, I woke up with a headache, as usual. Got Max fed, cleaned up and dropped him off at school. Then headed for the cemetery. I brought Ellie a card, a pink and purple princess wand, book and balloon (from Grams & Gramps). I read her the story and talked to her for awhile. The weather is unusually nice today but it made the cemetery sloppy and a dirty gray.

I stopped in the office and picked up information on headstones. I really haven't wanted to give this much thought. I am ok with the temporary marker being there, well, forever. Maybe, somehow, it will make all of this temporary. But I now we can't leave it there. So, we need to make some decisions.
After the cemetery, I stopped at the Children's Therapy Center where Max will have a speech and OT evaluation so he can get some extra therapy. Max does not like new places so I thought if I took some pictures and if he looked at them beforehand, he wouldn't be so anxious. When I say everything with Max takes preparation, I'm not kidding...

Site of future meltdown...

I rewarded myself for not having a complete meltdown yet, by stopping for coffee and a donut. As I was waiting for my coffee, a mom walked by and in her cart was a little girl about one, with a little headband and pink pants with little hearts. I bit my lip and tried not look at her total cuteness. The mom was telling her they could pick out special treats for dinner. She was giving her mommy the biggest grin ever... sigh... The guy behind the counter handed me my coffee and said in the most obnoxious happy tone ever, "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" Yeah, Happy Valentines Day....

Am I angry? Yes. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I feeling bad for myself? Yes. Am I glad that Valentine's Day is done for another year? Hell yes.


People say that instead of focusing on the negative things, you should focus on the positive things- or some bullshit like that....
Well, last year's Valentine's Day was definitely better last year.

February 14th, 2010:

The best Valentine's Day ever...

 Last year for Valentine's Day Max got some play food and a Valentine's Day book. Ellie got a couple outfits and a musical horse. Max even picked out most of it!

 Our pretty girl celebrating her first holiday. I bought her shirt about a week before she was born. Her big ol' belly barely fit into it!

Mommy's Little Valentine. He wasn't crazy about the photo shoot but went along with it anyways...

 When we brought Ellie home, we starting saying "Gentle" every time Max touched Ellie or even got near her. He wasn't too into Ellie but did like to give her kisses (at this point anyways) and liked to touch her. With one finger. Right on her head- as seen in the above picture. I remember him saying as he touched her head- "TENT-LE!" (gentle...)

Honestly, I have no idea what else we did that day. I can see that Max watched Dave do some shoveling and Ellie took a nap in her boppy. If Valentine's Day really isn't about Hallmark making some extra cash, and it's about love, then I guess we celebrated big time.

Ellie Lauree, Happy Valentine's Day. I wish you were here to make pink heart shaped pancakes for and eat the cute heart-shaped cakepops Aunt Kerri made. I wish you were to dress in a pink dress and heart babylegs. I wish you were here for all those extra hugs and kisses. And I wish you were so I could show you that stupid card that I bought for you. Instead it sits out at the cemetery in a plastic bag... I love you forever. Mama