Her Belly Button

Yesterday I didn't really feel like looking through old pictures. I guess you could say I was a little fragile yesterday. That damn waterpark and "fun" family trip, kicked the crap out of me. And I'm glad I didn't look at the pictures from yesterday because even today, they make me so sad. I think about Ellie all the time. I think about how different every aspect of our lives should be right now. I think about the funny things she did and how smart she was. It's harder for me to think about her little body. I try to focus on a certain aspect and if I can't recall it, it really upsets me. Or sometimes I just end up thinking about how her little betrayed her in the end. And those images, those images are what nightmares are made of. I really try not to go there.

But still it amazes me to no end, how a person can come from two small cells. An entire person. It truly is a miracle. Because our kids are invitro babies, we have pictures of them as 32 cell embryos. It's insane! It's crazy to think that I grew these two little people in my body. While I definitely have some issues with how my body failed Ellie and allowed her spleen to die, I cannot help but be in awe of her otherwise perfect little body. They change so much that first year, so I tried to make sure I took pictures of them in their diapers so I could remember just how tiny they were.
I love these pictures of Ellie. I love her big baby belly, her arm wrinkles, her long legs and slightly chunky thighs. And I love her belly button. It's weird to think about and I never really thought about it before but everyone has a different belly button. When I pulled these pictures up on my computer, the first thing I noticed was her belly button. Immediately, I thought, "Oh that's HER belly button. I miss that belly button." Weird, right? But I do, I miss her belly button. 

Remembering February 25th, 2010

February 26th, 2010