Thursday, February 24, 2011

Missing You

Dearest Ellie,
Four months ago we were in the ER at Children's. The doctor and nurses put on a calm and controlled face but their eyes gave them away. They were scared for you, just like I was. We kept throwing out possible causes for your illness; meningitis? leukemia? viral infection? No one knew what was wrong. But something was very wrong. The bruises kept coming, the red spot on your head growing by the minute, your color slipped away from your lips. Your breathing was hard to listen to and the respiratory therapist stood at your head, ready to intubate. The numbers on the monitor didn't lie, you were so sick.
I have never in my life, been more scared. I would have given anything to switch places with you. It wasn't fair, you were so tiny, so scared and so undeserving of such a horrible thing.

On the 24th and 25th of every month since you left, I can feel it. The weight of that day pushes down and the memories flood back like it was yesterday. Sometimes I wonder if the pain of these memories are the punishment I must suffer for not being able to help you that day. I'm your mother and my job was to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do it Peanut. I wanted to- more than anything, I wanted to. If I could have done something I would have.
I'm sure you know how much we love you. Every day I think about you and miss your little face smiling at me when I go to get you out of your crib. I miss that ear that sticks out more than the other one and your growls.

"I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."

Love you Little Girl,
Mama


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February 24, 2010
Silly Baby Faces

4 comments:

Tiffany said...

i love silly baby faces! they are so cute. i got chills when you said
"Sometimes I wonder if the pain of these memories are the punishment I must suffer for not being able to help you that day. I'm your mother and my job was to protect you."
i can't tell you how many times i have thought the exact same thing. 4 months! such a short amount of time, but an eternity without our babies. :"(

♥Ellie♥

Mary said...

Ellie is so beautiful! I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye so soon. Thank you for sharing her pictures. Despite the fact that I know she is gone, I look forward to seeing the pictures you post. Its so obvious you're a proud momma. Sending you hugs and strength to get through these next 2 days.

Rochel said...

Little Girl, I miss those silly little faces too. Seeing the pictures makes me smile. Look at the stars Honey. I have said all along since Elle got her wings, that that is where she is...in the stars. I love you! Mom

Deanna said...

I also, feel the pain of wondering why I couldn't do anything to help River. We are nearing 2 years since he passed away. Thank you, for sharing your photographs, I love their little faces, and seeing sweet Ellie every day makes me stop and think even more about River's faces, and precious life with us. Much love to you!!

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