Four months ago we were in the ER at Children's. The doctor and nurses put on a calm and controlled face but their eyes gave them away. They were scared for you, just like I was. We kept throwing out possible causes for your illness; meningitis? leukemia? viral infection? No one knew what was wrong. But something was very wrong. The bruises kept coming, the red spot on your head growing by the minute, your color slipped away from your lips. Your breathing was hard to listen to and the respiratory therapist stood at your head, ready to intubate. The numbers on the monitor didn't lie, you were so sick.
I have never in my life, been more scared. I would have given anything to switch places with you. It wasn't fair, you were so tiny, so scared and so undeserving of such a horrible thing.
On the 24th and 25th of every month since you left, I can feel it. The weight of that day pushes down and the memories flood back like it was yesterday. Sometimes I wonder if the pain of these memories are the punishment I must suffer for not being able to help you that day. I'm your mother and my job was to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do it Peanut. I wanted to- more than anything, I wanted to. If I could have done something I would have.
I'm sure you know how much we love you. Every day I think about you and miss your little face smiling at me when I go to get you out of your crib. I miss that ear that sticks out more than the other one and your growls.
"I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."
Love you Little Girl,
February 24, 2010
Silly Baby Faces