Saturday, April 23, 2011

Cookbook Name and Other stuff

And the winning name is... "Yummy in the Belly, With love from Ellie" submitted by ksue80! Thank you to everyone who submitted a name suggestion, there were a lot of good names to choose from.

ksue80- please send me an email at with your mailing address so I can send you a cookbook once they are done!


So far I have made it through half of Easter's painful reminders. Easter eggs have been dyed, our family had our big Easter/ Christmas celebration (Chreaster) today complete with egg hunt, cookies, white elephant and Easter baskets for the kids. Mercifully, Max participated today. He actually did the egg hunt- although he would NOT go onto the rocks or leaves for whatever reason- and he actually tried three new foods! My cousin made AWESOME homemade marshmallows and even with it's weird fluffy, sticky texture he tried it! He had three bites! I've never been so excited to see my child eat sugar! This is a big step for Max. Yay for therapy and school!
But even with Max's stellar performance today, it was sad. The three other kids (there should be four others...) played well together, but Max did his own thing. He's left out. It hard to watch the other kids play and wonder if Max will ever be able to play with them.

It's hard because I know Ellie should be playing there too. Just SIX MONTHS ago, we were checking on our babies safely asleep in their cribs. We had NO idea what was headed our way. The germs in Ellie's little body were already taking over. Our lives were about to be destroyed, forever, and we didn't see it coming.
As tomorrow approaches, I can't help but be anxious. I can't help but be angry and sad. I hate the 24th. I hate holidays. I will probably forever hate Easter because it's the one big holiday we got with our baby girl. And tomorrow they all collide. I want to scream and cry. I want to stay in bed, under the covers and hide. All day. I would prefer to spend it in a valium induced stupor. Because if I don't get to see my baby in her Easter dress, tights and little shoes, I don't want tomorrow. None of it.

But, tomorrow is going to come. And even though Max probably won't give a hoot, we will go through some of the motions for him. 'The Easter Bunny' hid eggs and left two baskets. Yes, two. We will be pretend excited tomorrow morning for him. And then we will go to the cemetery and send Ellie some balloons and leave her a basket. We will blow bubbles for her and I will try not to think how fucked up it is to spend Easter at the cemetary. Because that's what it is. There isn't any other way to put it.

Thankfully, the Easter Bunny is leaving champagne and orange juice for mimosas too.

Remembering April 22nd, 2010

I forgot to do pictures yesterday- we actually went out and had fun... These pictures are hard for me to look at and think about. I can remember a lot of this day. When I changed Ellie's diaper first thing that morning, I noticed her big toe was a little red. I looked at it, didn't see anything around it and the nail wasn't growing inward so I assumed her pjs had been on a little funny. An hour later when I changed her into her clothes for the day, I noticed her toe was now bright red and warm. I called the pediatrician who said to bring her in right away. My mom came to watch Max and we scurried in. And thankfully we did because she had an infected toe. By the time we got to the office, it was much worse and heading up her toe. The doctor said had I waited another hour and we probably would have been headed to the hospital for IV antibiotics. We got her started on oral antibiotics right away and within a couple hours it was already a little better- or at least not getting worse.

Looking back on that day, I wonder if it was a sign. I always thought, what three month old gets an infected toe? Especially for no apparent reason? And it got worse FAST. Was it because her spleen wasn't working right? Should I have made a bigger deal about it with the doctor? If I had, would we have found out about her spleen? Would she still be here?
It seems like no big deal, but I wonder. I will always wonder if this was our sign. And I missed it.
 The toe. Poor girl- I'm sure it hurt!

Remembering April 23rd, 2010

 Max at 18 months.
 To help her infected toe, we were doing foot soaks 5 times a day. Ellie loved them. I think Peanut and I would have had a lot of fun having Girls' Day at the Spa!!
My chunky little Peanut!


LauraJane said...

You can't beat yourself up about things like this (I say that, but I do it too...). I wish the doctor had made more of a point of it and sent her/you for further testing, but you trust the doctors (who deal with illness every day) to tell you what to do, right?

You did what any great mom would do, and you took her to the doctors to get help. I'm sorry you're spending Easter without your sweet girl. Thinking of you.

crystal said...

I am praying for you. I know that it is so hard on you. I wish that I could take the pain away but I know I can't. But I can pray for you and that is what I do everyday is say a prayer for you and your family that God will will you the strength and peace you need. Like I've said before, word that people say don't help, but I do hope that the love that we show you does. Just know that you are thought about often and prayers are sent up for you. I know that Ellie is so proud of you. Just hang in there and keep your Faith because like I have said before, it won't be long and you will get to see Ellie again. God will be calling us home soon. <3 (((HUGS))) <3 I will be thinking about you tomorrow and praying too!!!

Our Journey said...

Hey Tiffany, while I was reading this I was holding on to each word so closely. First of all, I am thinking of you and your family. I am thinking of Ellie too, in heaven. It would be so much better if Ellie and Eden were here for Easter. I just wonder what it's like on this day for them.
Secondly, I am glad that you were able to have a somewhat normal Easter celebration. Yay Max for trying new food! I know there are still aspects that are hard. I pray God shower you with love, peace and reminders of sweet Ellie today. I also hope today is gentle. Enjoy the treats the Easter bunny left you!

New Year Mum said...

I've been thinking of you and Ellie a lot over Easter and especially yesterday at the Memorial Garden with Gabrielle... my heart goes out to you for tomorrow and must be so hard over Easter without her near. Please don't be hard on yourself... as a mum and a doctor, I've oscillated between being super worried about little things that have happened and probably too calm about more significant things - but I know one thing for sure, there is absolutely no way you could have known that your gorgeous Ellie didn't have a spleen and infections are so common that you couldn't have known to insist to investigate it more. I wish that I could have picked up the clotting problem that led to Gabrielle passing away, but have had to slowly let go of that guilt b/c otherwise it was going to consume me. You are an amazing mum and there is absolutely nothing that you did wrong. Love you hun and thinking of you over this difficult time. I wish that there was more that I could do for you... I just feel so far away. Love always xoxo

Post a Comment