Tuesday, April 19, 2011

That's about enough

When I think about everything coming up in the next couple months, I want to run away screaming. I'm not really sure where I would go- there seems to be no 'safe' place. But running and screaming seems to be the most appealing option at the moment.
In the next two months, we have to survive:
  • Easter, which lands on the six month anniversary of when Ellie got sick.
  • Her six month angelversary
  • Packing up our house including Ellie's room
  • Moving away from the only place Ellie ever lived
  • Moving in with my parents (not that I mind my parents, but I definitely mind being 'homeless' while we wait to move into the new house.)
  • Dave's sister's wedding. I can't even begin to express my anxiety for this day. Ellie would have loved this kind of stuff and she would have been so adorable in her little dress and shoes. I fully anticipate chewing a hole in the side of my mouth while trying to keep the tears in this day...
I am getting of sick of just surviving. I am so tired. Everything takes so much energy. I never expected to be so emotional about moving. I should have seen it coming, but I can barely think of it without crying. I am in love with our new house and all the opportunities the new neighborhood will provide, but I don't want to leave this house. Lately, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere, and I am tired of having so many obligations. I just want to sit on the couch, watch trashy TV and be left alone. Maybe being so busy is finally catching up to me and my grief. Lately, everything just makes me cry. I feel like I need a 'fragile' sticker pasted on my back.

Speaking of fragile, I've had about enough of having to constantly worry about everyone else's feelings. I feel like we aren't allowed to have any sort of reservations, feelings or reactions to the things going on around us, because it might upset someone else or their plans. I feel like we are having to deal with a lot of extra bullshit lately and I've had about enough. I find it completely ridiculous that I get more support and understanding from certain people I've 'met' (which means have never actually met) through my blog, than I do from certain people in our lives.
I am sick of others' opinions. And I am sick of other people thinking they know best or that they have the right to add any stress to our already out of control lives. None of these things going on around me, are things we chose. We didn't ask for a dead daughter and we didn't ask for our son to have autism. Unless you are in our shoes, you don't know.
Some people are really great about trying to understand, or admitting that they don't. Some people have been amazing. But others don't know and don't seem to care they don't understand. I cannot see past my own life right now. Getting through each day takes every single ounce of energy and strength I have. I don't have much left for anything or anyone else besides my husband and son at the end of the day. I'm too exhausted to deal with other people around us that like to create problems. They are too self-absorbed  and can't see how their actions are affecting us.

After spending a few years working with children with cancer and their families, I learned that life is too short. It's too short to obsess about little problems and it's too short to waste your energy on people that only care about themselves. Since Ellie has died, I feel this even more. When tragedy strikes, you see people's true colors. You get a crystal clear picture of who they really are. And I am quickly learning, it's not always pretty.

A friend posted this today and I was surprised to find that it was exactly what has been on my mind lately... Thank you Crystal!

Don't

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive,
How I will surely grow...
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me...
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...
Don't stand in pious judgment,
Of the bonds that I must untie..
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally...
Accept me in my up's and down's,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, My Friend, I care...
~Author Unknown~

6 comments:

Kelly said...

Love that poem, I haven't seen that one before.

I agree with so much of what you wrote. It's all enough, and I'm just so tired of "surviving!" I'm sorry people in your life are not always supportive. I haven't gotten that yet, but I'm sure it's around the corner. I wonder when it will get to the point that people will start telling me to move or to get over it.

Hugs to you momma!

ccc said...

Thanks for the caring comment on my blog. I am definitely feeling everything that poem says right now.

crystal said...

Tiffany,
You're so welcome. I am glad it helped you and so glad that its helping others too. Like I said unless they have been in our shoes, they have no room to say they understand. They don't know what its like to get up each morning hoping that it was just a dream but then reality hits again. THey don't know what its like to want to hold your baby one more time. I am here for you and maybe one day we will get the chance to meet face to face. I am so glad that I have friends like you that I can talk to and then again that I can encourage as you encourage me. The only person that knows our pain is God and if it wasn't for Him, I have no idea where we would be because He is the only reason we live but oh what a reason. If it wasn't for God, there are days that I probably wouldn't make it but it seems like when I am ready to give up and fall He is there to catch me and pick me up and let me know that He believes in me. To know that we will get to see our Angels again is so worth living for Him. Praying for you and like I said I am here for you anytime you need to talk:)

Sarah said...

Tiffany~
BIG HUGS!!! I will be keeping You, Max and Dave in my T's & P's!! That poem speaks volumes... maybe you should print it on a shirt and wear it around the people who don't seem to understand! (That along with wearing the "fragile" sticker you mentioned). So sorry you have so many obligiations and events to survive in the next couple of months. I wish there were a way I could make it easier for you, but I know I can't :(
~Sarah

Deanna said...

thinking of you Tiffany. there is nothing I can say to make anything feel better, except that Ellie has touched my family and we have never 'met' -- you are an inspiration, and I look forward to meeting you in person next month!! ((hugs))

New Year Mum said...

Be gentle on yourself - do what you want to do and feel you need to do... if that means staying at home in front of the tellie, that's OK. Others don't deserve to have their opinion about what you're going through... this is your journey and your space to take as much time as you need. I wish that I could actually meet you in person and give you a big hug... love to you always xoxo

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