That's about enough

When I think about everything coming up in the next couple months, I want to run away screaming. I'm not really sure where I would go- there seems to be no 'safe' place. But running and screaming seems to be the most appealing option at the moment.
In the next two months, we have to survive:

• Easter, which lands on the six month anniversary of when Ellie got sick.
• Her six month angelversary
• Packing up our house including Ellie's room
• Moving away from the only place Ellie ever lived
• Moving in with my parents (not that I mind my parents, but I definitely mind being 'homeless' while we wait to move into the new house.)
• Dave's sister's wedding. I can't even begin to express my anxiety for this day. Ellie would have loved this kind of stuff and she would have been so adorable in her little dress and shoes. I fully anticipate chewing a hole in the side of my mouth while trying to keep the tears in this day...

I am getting of sick of just surviving. I am so tired. Everything takes so much energy. I never expected to be so emotional about moving. I should have seen it coming, but I can barely think of it without crying. I am in love with our new house and all the opportunities the new neighborhood will provide, but I don't want to leave this house. Lately, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere, and I am tired of having so many obligations. I just want to sit on the couch, watch trashy TV and be left alone. Maybe being so busy is finally catching up to me and my grief. Lately, everything just makes me cry. I feel like I need a 'fragile' sticker pasted on my back.

Speaking of fragile, I've had about enough of having to constantly worry about everyone else's feelings. I feel like we aren't allowed to have any sort of reservations, feelings or reactions to the things going on around us, because it might upset someone else or their plans. I feel like we are having to deal with a lot of extra bullshit lately and I've had about enough. I find it completely ridiculous that I get more support and understanding from certain people I've 'met' (which means have never actually met) through my blog, than I do from certain people in our lives.
I am sick of others' opinions. And I am sick of other people thinking they know best or that they have the right to add any stress to our already out of control lives. None of these things going on around me, are things we chose. We didn't ask for a dead daughter and we didn't ask for our son to have autism. Unless you are in our shoes, you don't know.
Some people are really great about trying to understand, or admitting that they don't. Some people have been amazing. But others don't know and don't seem to care they don't understand. I cannot see past my own life right now. Getting through each day takes every single ounce of energy and strength I have. I don't have much left for anything or anyone else besides my husband and son at the end of the day. I'm too exhausted to deal with other people around us that like to create problems. They are too self-absorbed  and can't see how their actions are affecting us.

After spending a few years working with children with cancer and their families, I learned that life is too short. It's too short to obsess about little problems and it's too short to waste your energy on people that only care about themselves. Since Ellie has died, I feel this even more. When tragedy strikes, you see people's true colors. You get a crystal clear picture of who they really are. And I am quickly learning, it's not always pretty.

A friend posted this today and I was surprised to find that it was exactly what has been on my mind lately... Thank you Crystal!

Don't

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive,
How I will surely grow...
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me...
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...
Don't stand in pious judgment,
Of the bonds that I must untie..
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally...
Accept me in my up's and down's,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, My Friend, I care...
~Author Unknown~