Friday, April 1, 2011


If  Tears Could Build A Stairway

 If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to heaven
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know

But now we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you'll always stay

This morning as Max and I were waiting in the never-ending line at the Post Office, I was thinking how it would be to do these sorts of errands with two toddlers. Max doesn't like the Post Office and going there with him takes great consideration and you must go with the mindset that you might not actually last there long enough to do what you need to. Add in a 15 month old and things could have been ugly... But then it occurred to me that if Ellie was still alive, I wouldn't have been at the Post Office today. I was there to open a PO Box for Ellie's Light. So much of what my days consist of now, is only there because Ellie is not. Moving, putting together the cookbook, Ellie's Light, messaging other BLM's, it's all because Ellie died. Aidan's Mommy Natasha, said today, she just can't believe this is her life. I agree. How did my life get to be this way? We shouldn't have met with our realtors this morning. I shouldn't have been at the Post Office today. I shouldn't even be writing these words. But I am. And I still can't believe it.

Remembering April 1st, 2010

I have an especially hard time believing it when I look at pictures from just one year ago. One year ago today, was the first day that was nice enough to take the kids to the park. My mom brought our nephew, Evan, down after dinner and we all walked down to the park. It was Ellie's first trip to the park...

She's not too sure about this "park" everyone keeps speaking of...

 Here comes the tears and the lip... :( 
One of the few times Max agreed to get in the wagon...

Ellie holding on to her blankie for dear life as we make our way to the park. Little cuddle-bug

Max and Daddy
Little Peanut's 1st ride on the swings- she didn't really care!


LauraJane said...

Aww, the pouty lip gets me everytime. :)

Deanna said...

This week must be the week we are all thinking EXACTLY alike. I just posted on Aiden's Mommy's about this, yesterday I felt like SOOOOO many of the things I do, I would never be doing if River were here with me, on Earth! It's definitely one of the easiest feelings to grasp and one of the hardest to understand. Thinking of you, Tiffany!

P.S. I love Ellie's lip, such a cutie pie! :)

Mary said...

I love the pouty lips! Oh, I wish I could see my own little one's. I know I was good at that lip when I was little, I can just imagine how she would be. Max is so adorable, he looks a lit like his daddy. And, I love that poem. Isn't it amazing how we imagine what life would be like with our children if they were still here?

New Year Mum said...

You shouldn't have been at the post office... but your dedication and compassion for others after such a heart-breaking loss is testament to the amazing person you are and a wonderful mother to your little ones. I admire you more and more each day and thank you for sharing all your photos of your gorgeous angel. Your poem brought a tear to my eye... so beautiful xoxo

crystal said...

You are so right. Why do we lose our children at such a young age? I know only God know and I trust him for He knows the plans in our life but it is still hard. I just bought a book called "Purpose Driven Life" because I was flipping through it at Wal-Mart and got to the second chapter and the title was You Are Not An Accident and this caught my eye. As I was reading through it was talking about how God knows everything about us before we are even conceived. He knew how long we were going to live, what body build He was going to give us, what color we would be, etc. After reading a few sentences, I decided that I had to buy this book so I could see why things happen the way they do. Why we lose our children and why we have to suffer through the pain of having empty arms and a whole in out heart. I hope that this book explains a lot more about the whys. I love the pictures. Your kids are precious and Ellie, I just love her little stork bite that is on her forhead. It reminds me of my Maddox. He has one and I love it because when he is mad, it gets so bright and its like it changes colors with his emotions. Its precious, and when Landon (2 yr old) sees it when he's mad, he will say mommy, Max has a bobo.(sp?) I am praying for you and I hope you have a great weekend.

Natasha said...

You know I feel your pain Tiffany.....this just should not be our lives. It's just so wrong. But I'm glad I have friends like you to help me through the rough times. Thinking of you and sending lots of love! I know Ellie and Aiden are playing on a beautiful beach in heaven right now :)

Hugs mama!!!

Jen said...

Love the poem!

Shanna said...

These pictures of Ellie are so sweet. I love how she is clutching her blanket as if some hooligan at the park is going to try to snatch it. Smart girl. :-) Message me if you need more recipes for Ellie's cookbook, I could send a few.

Post a Comment