Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Drowning

I can imagine that this is what it feels like to drown.

I was pushed into the freezing cold water. I had no warning. No life jacket. And I never saw it coming.
At first, I couldn't even believe I'd been pushed. I was stunned to look around and find myself in the water. Soon the cold started to make it's way into my bones and I tried to let out a scream. But nothing came. Just silence.

Thrashing. Kicking. Fighting. Doing whatever I could to get away from it. To get out of the cold water and back to the warm shore. But you can only fight for so long. Your head starts to bob below the surface. Each time it takes more to find the top and get one more breath. Each time you stay down a little longer.

I assume there comes a time when you just know. You know the shore is too far and you are just too tired. And the water is far too cold. You start to just give in. Maybe once or twice, you fight it. But pretty soon, you're just still. Floating in the water. Just waiting.


That's where I'm at. I'm starting to realize my new life isn't going away. My baby was taken away, without warning. Forever. It was horrifying, scary and almost unspeakable. It's becoming too hard to fight it. It's obvious. Now...? Now, I'm not sure. I feel like I am just floating here. Waiting. I'm not waiting for her to come back. I don't think I'm waiting for when I get to go to her. I know that's too long to just wait. I think I'm waiting for it to become real. I am waiting for our new reality. I certainly don't want it. But the fights gone. So, I just wait.

Elle Belle~ Mama loves you. I love you so much.

13 comments:

Tiffany said...

:'( i wait with you, for our babies. hoping praying that one day we will wake up and they will be right there. and we will realize that this was all one long nightmare, but that it's over. i pray for that outcome everyday. </3

Kelly said...

I could have written this same thing, but you did so much more beautifully than I could. :) I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. The fact that it will never happen is another nightmare in itself. ((hugs))

Natasha said...

I'm right there with you waiting....waiting for the day when my life with have some kind of normal to it.....waiting for the day when I'll see Aiden again....waiting for the day that God will finally bless us with a child that lives with us here on earth.

You're not alone mama....praying for you today and always......

(((((hugs)))))

Our Journey said...

Love you Tiffany. (((HUGS)))

Mary said...

I look forward to the day I can see her smile for the first time in my life. I know they're all out there somewhere, waiting for us to join them. Hugs, momma!

Natalie Ross said...

Tiffany,
That was written beautifully. Your little Ellie has touched my life. I wish I could have met her. I bet her and my Maddie are having a great time in Heaven. I know it's hard to keep fighting, but you can. Stay strong. My heart hurts for you along with mine.
Praying.
Love, Natalie

LauraJane said...

I want to wake up from this nightmare, scoop up my son, and never look back.. i hate the waiting part, its just terrible.

crystal said...

Praying for you. I know that God will give you the strength that you need. On top of that, you have Ellie watching over you and how wonderful that is. I know it would be easier to have her hear but since she isn't, you have the best, most perfect, beautiful, Guardian Angel watching over you. I hope Max is doing good and I hope the rest of the week gets better for you.

Jen said...

Sending you hugs and prayers of comfort while you wait. Your words are painfully beautiful and so true.

Rochel said...

Little Girl... I will wait with you. Wait for the day this new reality becames less painful to live with..wait for the day my baby can feel like she is not drowning. Although there are days you cannot see or feel it, Ellie and her AngelBaby friends are smiling down everyday to keep all of you afloat.I love you! Mom

New Year Mum said...

Sorry about my slow commenting this week :( I'm right here with you too... waiting is so heart-breaking and I wish I could give you a big hug. I guess we're all life-vests to each other... my heart is with you and wish there was an easy way to wait for a new reality... our angels are with us every second xoxo

New Year Mum said...

Hi again... I'm not sure what's going on with my Followers option - I've just noticed that I'm not only your follower list (even though I'd joined a few weeks ago)... I've tried to change a few things on my site, so maybe try again :)) xoxo

Tabatha said...

Waiting with you my friend... feeling like I have been standing still these past weeks.. not moving forward, not moving backward.. just standing and waiting. trying to figure out what this 'new normal' is all about (((HUGS))) always here for you

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