Easter- Ugh...

Well it's over. Almost anyways. There were tears today but not as many as I had anticipated. Every month on the 24th, as each hour passes, I think about that day. It replays in my mind. At 10 am today as we walked ito my grandparents' place for brunch, I thought about how six months ago, I was sitting in the back of the ambulance. As we approached lunchtime, I thought about the doctor telling us they had to intubate her. Mercifully, I slept most of the afternoon. I didn't recall each moment of that day, watching my girl slip further and further away.

I know that at this moment, six months ago, I was standing next to Ellie's bed, holding her hand. Just staring at her horribly disfigured body. We were drained. Exhausted beyond belief. The staff knew it was bad. I could tell. I kept getting that look from the nurses. They were just about to tell us they had one more shot. And it was a long one. We were about to lose the thin strand of hope we were hanging onto. Our families were leaving for the night- they would be called back just two hours later so they could say good-bye. Six months ago, we were watching our lives change into something we didn't want. Our happy, perfect lives were fading away; the darkness was moving in.

Even now, I can't believe we went through it. I can't believe we lived this nightmare and are now left to deal with the aftermath. Even to me, who has been in the middle of it every second, the horror seems unreal. How could something to awful, so ugly, so completely heartbreaking and devastating happen to our beautiful perfect girl? She didn't do anything wrong. We didn't deserve this. Even after six months, it doesn't make sense...

Ellie Lauree,
There are no words.
It should be your second Easter today. You should have been dressed in your cute Easter dress, white tights and little shoes. You should have had little ponytails and bows. You should have been eating your first pieces of candy and looking for eggs. You should have been following your brother and cousins around trying to keep up.
Instead we had an egg hunt at the cemetery- how messed up is that?! We sent you balloons and brought Easter baskets and presents to your spot.
I can't believe I haven't looked at your beautiful little face for six months. Six months ago was the last time you cuddled up on my chest and snuggled in. I miss you so much. I miss you more than I could ever say. I love you Peanut.
Forever your Mama.

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Remembering April 24th, 2010

Max's first haircut at the salon. Obviously, it didn't go well....