Tuesday, January 25, 2011

3 months...

Today is a bad day. A stay in your pajamas and not one, but two bathrobes because you are shaking cold, kind of day. A hysterically, uncontrollably sobbing, puffy eyes, half a box of kleenex sort of day. A nothing is going to make me feel better sort of day so don't suggest anything because it will just make me more upset sort of day.

Today marks Ellie's three month Angelversary. Three months ago, we had to make the decision to let Ellie's body rest. I can't believe it.

Three months. That's a quarter of a year. A quarter of a year with our little girl.
Three months. That's a third of Ellie's life.
Three months and I still can't believe that we are that family. The family that experiences the unexpected tragic loss of a perfectly beautiful and "healthy" baby.
Three months and the hurt seems to be getting worse- not better.

Today I can't decide if looking at her pictures from a year ago makes me more sad or not. I almost feel bad for that mother in the pictures. That mother that doesn't realize the itty bitty baby in the picture with her will be gone this time next year. But then again, that mother was so happy it would have been a shame for her to know. I suppose it's better that that mother didn't know what was coming, she enjoyed every second with her little girl, never worrying about losing her.

January 25, 2010

When Max was born our nephew Evan was two and obsessed with Max's umbilical cord. He called it a cracker! Evan always like to watch us change Max's diaper and the first time he saw us change it after the umbilical cord fell off, he was upset! He cried, "HAPPEN CRACKER?!" So we have since referred to the umbilical cord stump as a "cracker."
Early this morning Ellie's cracker fell off so I was able to put Ellie in the bathtub for her first soak at home. Since she was still so floppy and I was still rather sore, I decided it would be easier to give her a bath on the floor in her room instead of trying to cram myself in the microscopic space next to the bathtub.
She was NOT thrilled to be woken up...
But was pretty happy once she was naked!
Look at those long arms! I remember how slippery she was and she always had very stretchy skin- almost like a puppy's head so she was very hard to hold onto!
Max reading his stories in Ellie's crib while his sister gets a bath. He hasn't really figured out that this is Ellie's crib yet!
All clean! Time to wash the hair! I remember our "stellar" nursing assistant at the hospital telling us not to get shampoo in her eyes so I made sure to avoid that! She loved having her hair washed and getting her head rubbed! Max decided it was time to help...

I loved how cute and cuddley Elle was right after a bath. I always called her a little bug when she was all wrapped up... I miss my little bath bug.

Peanut~ I want you back. I want our normal life back. I'm so sorry we had to let you go, your body was too tired and we didn't want you to suffer anymore. I would switched places with you in a second if I could. I miss you everyday, every second. I love you so much baby girl, Mama


Deanna said...

Thinking of you, Tiffany, as you remember your precious daughter's life on earth. She is such a cutie, and I want to thank you for sharing your time with her. There are no words that can express how much we miss our babies. Praying for you to find peace as you continue with beautiful Ellie in your heart.

Jen said...

I am new to your blog and just want to extend my deepest condolences, we lost our daughter at 8 months and 29 days.. May 2009..it has been an awful road.. You have a beautiful baby girl <3<3 praying for peace to cover you as you are missing her...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Tiffany, I have been reading your posts from the day she got sick and you took her by ambulance to the ER. I can't believe how quickly she became ill and passed away. I am so sorry. My heart is so heavy with the sorrow you are going through. She is so precious and beautiful. ((HUGS))

Shanna said...

Tiffany- I just discovered your blog, and am so sorry about your precious baby. We also suddenly lost our beautiful, healthy baby girl to bacterial sepsis on Jan. 3. It has been only 3 weeks to your 3 months, and I also feel the grief is getting worse. I think as every day goes by we miss our daughters that much more. Your Ellie is beautiful. Maybe she is having a playdate with our Ava in heaven today.

Tiffany said...

Shanna- I hope you see this... I tried to leave a message on your blog but it said that only members could. Your daughter Ava is beautiful and I know her and Ellie are playing today. I love Ava's hair- reminds me of Ellie's fuzzy head. Except Ava has way more hair than Ellie did!

Shanna said...

Hi Tiffany- I haven't played with the settings on my blog yet, so sorry about that. I am also in the Twin Cities, can I email you? I haven't met any other mommies that have lost babies to sepsis.

Tiffany said...

yes please email me! tiffanycarver@hotmail.com

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