Tuesday, January 4, 2011

bleh...

Today is my 28th birthday. Last year, my parents, Dave, Gramps, Max and I went out to eat- that's it, nothing exciting. I was very pregnant and very miserable. My Grams had been in the hospital for several weeks and had been very sick for a while. Christmas was sad and I wasn't really into the whole birthday thing. I remember thinking, "next year's birthday will be better. Grams will be better and Ellie will be here. I won't be pregnant and the size of a small car." My parents gave me girly baby blankets and cute baby clothes- all stuff for my Ellie. I was so excited about having a girl- I couldn't get enough of the pinks & purples. My doctor had already set a tentative induction day for Jan 15th, I was excited that our birthdays would be so close together. January would be our month... when she was older we could have a girl's weekend away in between our birthdays.

Today seems like just another reminder that my daughter is gone. It makes me mad to become a year older, when Ellie didn't even reach her first birthday. You aren't supposed to out live your child. It's not fair that there are people out there that are selfish, mean, evil and they live to be old, bitter people. Why do they get to live full lives and my innocent sweet Ellie does not? I'm angry I didn't get to celebrate one of my birthday's with my WHOLE family. It was yet another holiday, event, celebration that Ellie didn't get to be a part of. Really, I guess today wasn't any harder than any other day since she left. I think about her all the time. With each breath I sense her absence.
I appreciate all the "Happy Birthdays" I've received today, it's nice to know that people are thinking of me. But at the same time, I'm thinking, "It's not a Happy Birthday." I just keep thinking about the other birthday party I'm planning right now. It's going to be the best ladybug 1st birthday party anyone has ever seen. Except for one thing, there won't be a guest of honor.

My baby girl~ I miss you. I miss you so much. I spent most of the day thinking about you... about your soft skin, the little fat rolls around your wrist, your cankles, your one ear that stuck out and your little growl. I love you little girl! ~Mama


I love this picture of Ellie. She was about 24 hours old. It's not a very picture but it's "so Ellie." Her fuzzy head, wrist rolls, fingers all spread out funny on one hand and her other hand on her nuk. And warm fuzzy footie jammies.

2 comments:

Our Journey said...

Well, Happy Birthday. I so wish things could be different. Things should be different this year. You have every right to be upset. I pray that God brings you peace.

M. Beth Williams said...

Hi Tiffany,
We don't know eachother but I came across your blog when reading the other Tiffany's blog (Juju's mom) who posts on a forum I frequent. I am not a BLM, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. But I did want to let you know that there are a lot of strangers in the world that are checking in and making wishes for you. Also, I am a speech language pathologist who has worked in the schools for almost 10 years and am very familiar with special education law. Should you ever come across an issue in regards to your precious son and his services, need clarification, want an "insider" to give some advice, I'm happy to help. Sometimes the system can be tricky to navigate. I've been able to help a few mamas on mothering.com figure out how to fight for their children if needed, decode test results, etc. I have seen parents grieve an autism diagnosis, but to lose your precious little girl in the same month is unfathomable. Please be gentle with yourself. My heart truly breaks for you.
(My email is mbethwilliams@gmail.com if I can help you with any questions regarding your autism journey).

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