The Should Be...

Stuck in the should be. The would be.

There is nothing in my life that hasn't been affected by Ellie's death. I can't walk into any part of our house, go anywhere or do anything without thinking of what should be. I can't help but think how it would be different if Ellie was here. I am obsessed with thinking of how big she would be, what she would look like and all the new things she would be doing now. Even mid-conversation, there is some part of my mind thinking about what should be different about that exact moment, that conversation.
It makes me catch my breath. It makes my heart race and want to run screaming out the door. Run where? I can't run away from the should be. It's everywhere. It's everything.
We are nearing the three-month mark of Ellie's Angelversay. And I still don't believe it. EVERY SINGLE DAY I still wake-up and can't believe it's true. I can't believe I haven't woke up from this nightmare yet. I can't believe I am still alive without her.

I love thinking about her. Seeing her picture, her videos, her things. Smelling her giraffe. Trying to remember all those little things that are shoved into the depths of my memory. When they come back, those forgotten tid-bits, it's amazing. It's almost better than the first time they happened. That's why I want to write about everyday of her life. I don't want to forget, I need help remembering. Honoring "the what was" helps distract me from "the should be."

Looking back....

January 17th, 2009

The day we brought our Peanut home!

Throughout the night, Ellie was brought into our room to nurse. As soon as she fell back asleep I would swaddle her and the nurse would take her down to the desk while she charted. At about 6am Ellie was ready to be back with Mama and Dada. We took our time getting cleaned up and eating breakfast. The doctors came to see Ellie and I and started writing discharge papers.

We waited for what seemed like forever to get all of the paperwork completed. While we waited we changed Ellie into her pink bunny going home outfit and had her pictures taken by the hospital photographer. Dave and I started to get very restless. We missed Max a lot and were anxious to get Ellie home!
Right around noon, we loaded Ellie up in her car seat and put her pink hat on. Max wore an identical blue hat home from the hospital. The hats were handmade by Dave's Great-Aunt- I love that they were handmade especially for them! I was amazed at how similar Ellie looked to Max once she was bundled up in the car seat.

A volunteer walked us out down and Dave went to get the car. It was a damp, grey day. I sat in the backseat with our Peanut for her first trip in the car. She slept the whole way home.

Ma and Max were waiting for us when we got home. Max wasn't too sure about Ellie being at his house. He mostly ignored her and definitely seemed mad when we held her. We brought Ellie upstairs to her room and changed her diaper. Ma held Ellie while I read Max a story.
My mom left and we were all by ourselves for a while until Dave's mom came to stay for the night. Gramps (Ellie's Great Grandpa) came to meet her and then we ate some dinner.

Ellie spent the evening sleeping and eating. She was perfectly content to be held and wrapped up in her fuzzy blanket.
We went to bed that night and Ellie slept in her bassinet right next to my side of the bed. Max was in the port-a-crib and it was hard to see him from the bed. I loved having Ellie right next to me. I could sleep with my hand on her but didn't have to worry about rolling over on her (as if you sleep that first night anyways!). She woke-up every two hours to eat, which she did well from the very beginning, and went right back to sleep. She loved to be snuggled up on our chests and feel our chest move and heartbeat while she slept. Early in the morning, Dave brought Ellie downstairs to hang out with Grandma so we could get a couple more hours of sleep before Max woke up.
I couldn't have asked for a better first night home as a whole family.