Monday, January 10, 2011

"My love will find you"

The first day he walked right in, gave his teacher a "hug" and headed towards his room. He took off his coat & hat and when he was asked if he wanted to go to the "little gym" he headed right out there door- never looking back. I put away his things and went in the gym to check on him. He looked at me and said "bye." I said, "Mommy has to go. I will be back to get you later. Can I have a kiss?" He gave me a kiss, said, "Bye. Two balls" (he was in the ball pit). I gave him a kiss and he went right back to his business. Obviously, he did not realize what a momentous occasion this was! It was the first time I left Max, all by himself, at school.

He's only two. Not even two and a half. As soon as Max was born, I started having kindergarten anxiety. Before his autism "diagnosis" we were planning on sending him to a playschool on Friday mornings starting the first of this year. So either way, he would have started something. But his school/ therapy, is three days a week for two and a half hours. That's a long time for a toddler to be away from home and their parents. That's an even longer time for a Mommy to be away from their toddler.

Thankfully, Max is pretty comfortable at his school and he really likes his teacher. We spent several weeks getting to know her at our house and then at the school before he started going by himself. I completely trust his teacher and therapists. They are very kind and caring. But I'm a control freak- especially when it comes to my kids. Max has always needed things to be done a certain way and I know they aren't doing things the way I do- which I suppose is part of his therapy. So I drop him off three mornings a week and do... what does a stay-at-home mom do with no kids? I wanted to stay home with our kids so I could BE WITH our kids. Now, seven and a half hours a week, I am with NO kids. The rest of the week I am with only one child. It makes me mad. And sad. It makes me feel bored and restless. Sure, I could run errands, clean, cook, blah blah blah... I could do that with kids too. I really don't see these weekly 7.5 hours as free time or "Mommy Time," I see them as a burden. A waste.

When we found out Max would be having therapy several times a week, I was upset. I feel he is too little to be away from me that much. But he needs it. We need to give him every opportunity we can. I decided it would give Ellie and me the chance to do things that Max can't or doesn't like to do. We were going to go the library, go sit and have coffee/ milk and just hang out. Now I really don't know what to do with myself. So today I went to the cemetery.

At least I was near the body of one of my babies.

Standing out in the cold, snowy cemetery is a crappy substitute for going to the library for story time with an almost one-year old. I read Ellie the story that Santa put in her stocking (a really messed up version of story time...) But I love this story. It speaks to me. It's perfect. For both kids really. And I think this is what Ellie would tell me if I were able to hear her...

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You, by Nancy Tillman
"I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.
It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain... climb up to the sky!
My love will find you. My love can fly!
Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working... or playing...
or sitting with friends.
You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad...
just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree...
in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide, and so deep,
it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid
to march to the front of your own parade.
If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you is you're never alone.

You're my angel, my darling, my star...
and my love will find you,
wherever you are.
You are loved.

This picture was taken exactly one year ago today. Jan 10, 2009. I remember seeing how beautiful the pink and purple sunset was and wanting to take a picture of it just in case Ellie decided to make her big appearance that night. I wanted to be able to show her how beautiful the world was on the night she came to see us. Of course, she didn't come until she was forced out on the 15th. It's funny that I took this picture with Ellie in mind, and now pink and purple sunsets mean so much to me, because of Ellie.


Anonymous said...

I cannot even remember how I found this site. Maybe a friend of a friend posted it on Facebook? I don't know.
I feel like I intrude into your life when I read this, but I just cannot stop coming by.

My heart for you each and every time I read this. I pray for you, silently, after I read each one of your posts. Your words give me a whole new perspective on my life, and maybe that is why I feel the pull to visit. Maybe when my days are stressful I need to read your words and realize how fast, how in the blink of an eye, my world can change, and the rug can be pulled out from underneath me, as it was for you.

I am a mom, and a woman, and a human being. I have these three things in common with you. And it's because of these things that I can only tell you that you are a brave and strong woman, and the words that you speak on here touch lives. They've touched mine.


Post a Comment