Sunday, November 21, 2010

All things pink and purple

As soon as we found that our Turtle was for sure a girl, we went to Babies R Us and bought the pink bedding I had been eyeing since I was pregnant with Max. I was soooo excited for all the pink and purple about to come into our lives!

"What?! We're having a girl?!"
I love having a little boy- they do the strangest things. The dirt, rough and tough play, cars, baseball all have their perks. But let's be honest, girl clothes are so much more fun to buy! I would have been happy with a boy too- we just wanted a healthy baby, but when I got confirmation that I was going to get my daughter, I almost jumped off the ultrasound table. As a mother, I was so excited to have a daughter. I have a close relationship with my mom and wanted the same thing with my little girl. Add in all the skirts, dresses, leggings, tights, hair bows, headbands, little shoes... I was giddy!
My mom went and bought GIRLY clothes within two hours of finding out it was a girl!
These were the first GIRL clothes I bought for Elle.
It was about this time last year when we turned the small room upstairs that we were using as an office into Ellie's nursery. My mom and I had carefully picked out the paint to exactly match her bedding. We talked and talked about how to make her room girly and pink without being obnoxious. Then my mom, grandpa, Dave and I broke out the brushes and started painting pink! Dave and Gramps carefully measured out pink stripes. Over time we added her expresso colored crib, changing table & nightstand. I painted letters sage green to spell out her name. We bought small white butterflies to put on the wall above her crib. And one of my favorite accessories- a pink jeweled nightlight. Before Ellie was even born, her closet had started to fill up with small frilly dresses, pink fuzzy pjs, flowered hairbows and little purple shoes.

When Ellie died, I not only lost my child, my baby, I lost my daughter. Her and I will never go get our nails done, never go shopping together for a prom or wedding dress. I will never teach her to put on lipstick or go with her to get her ears pierced. I won't get to give her the "becoming a woman" talk, or explain to her that sometimes boys are just stupid. 
Before they unhooked Ellie's life support, my friends and I painted her nails pink. Unfortunately, the polish was so light and her skin was so dark, they just looked white. So the last time we saw her body at the funeral home, I painted her nails bright pink. Not exactly what I had pictured as her first manicure. I also bought her her first neckalace and bracelet. The funeral director placed the neckalace on her before putting her in the casket. I tried to put the small pearl bracelet on her wrist on but it was too swollen. Instead I wrapped it around her fingers, next to her nuk. A pearl necklace is something you should buy your daughter for graduation, not to bury her in. I had big plans for us, big huge mother daughter plans. Now it's me here, with two boys...

I miss the pink and purple. I miss my baby. I miss my daughter.

As soon as I found at she was for sure a girl, I bought this pink tutu for her first pictures


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