Friday, November 5, 2010


Mad, angry, hostile... So mad thats its almost funny. Mad at hotmail for not letting me into my email, mad at Micheal's for not having windchimes- don't they know that I need them- I NEED to put them in the tree next to her grave. I don't care that its not spring. Angry at the stupid lady cashier at Chipotle for telling me to have a good day. Seriously?! If one more person tells me to have a great day, I am going to have to kick them. Kick them hard, right in the ass. In fact, I think I would feel better if I just walked up to an unsuspecting stranger and kicked them right in the ass- just for going about their normal day. How can everyone just keep going? Don't they see she's not here. Because its all I see...

We got cheated. We don't get to see her talking those first wobbly steps. We don't get to see her tear into her presents at her first Christmas. We don't get to teach her to ride a bike or put bandaids on her knees when the bike riding lessons goes awry. I don't get to take her picture at exactly 12:42pm on her first birthday- the exact time she was born. We got cheated out of the terrible twos, the first day of school and sneaking into her room to put a dollar under pillow the night she loses her first tooth. We got cheated out of fearfully watching her drive away in the car the day gets her license. We got cheated out of the teenage years- we don't ever get to hear her march up the stairs, slam her door and yell, "I hate you! You are ruining my life!" We don't get to watch her walk across the stage to get her diploma, we don't get to cry all the way home after dropping her off at college. My husband does not get to walk her down the aisle. We got cheated out of spoiling her kids. We got cheated out of smiling to ourselves when she calls to say she's been up all night with the baby and she hasn't showered in who knows how long.

So yeah, I'm mad.

And then there's Max. Our amazing little Max. So funny, wild and crazy blond curls. Killer blue eyes, one dimple. Obsessed with Dr. Seuss and The Wonder Pets. Basically, Max is awesome. Just barely two, Max mostly lives in his own world. Max's life revolves around pattern and routine. We are lucky enough to get lots of cuddles, hugs and kisses from Max. He talks to us, kind of. He plays with us, kind of. But Max rarely acknowledged Ellie. At first we thought it was jealousy. We now know, that it was probably mostly the autism. Just within the last month, Max started to notice Ellie. He would watch her pound on the high chair, occassionally smile when she laughed and started bringing her nuk to her.
Max may not have paid much attention to Elle, but he didn't make a move or noise without her taking notice. She loved him! She had just started holding up her arms to him when he would fly by her. She just wanted him to play with her so badly.
I'm mad that Max got jipped out of a sister. He will have no memory of her- he will only know what we tell him and what he takes from pictures and videos.
I'm mad that Ellie got cheated out of a brother. Autism can steal from you. She was only here for nine months, thats not enough time in Max's world. Thats not fair.

I know that anger will come and go for a while and then eventually it will fade away. But Max's autism and Ellie's death are less than a month old, so for right now I am mad.

So symbolic of their relationship...


Anonymous said...

I am a mother of three myself and reading something so heartbreaking and terrible makes me so thankful for what I have. Even though I am a stranger to you, please know that you are in my thoughts and I am praying for you and your family to get through this tough time and stay strong. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Your blog is beautiful though and your emotions are so raw but you have such a nice way of writing about them, if that's possible with such a tragedy. I have not been this affected by a blog since Matt Logelins blog ( ) a couple of years back. <>

Anonymous said...

Always to hope to wish and to pray that this is just a bad dream and will just go away i feel deepening pain as i read what you write yet cant compehend why you cant hold her so tight...why take the precious beautiful girl who brought so much love and joy to the world away from her mommy daddy and big bro it shatters my heart more than you know I will keep you in my thoughts and pray you get the strength to help you cope with this aweful tragedy

Anonymous said...

You can kick me if you want, or I can put a random stanger in a hold for you and you can kick them. To be more serious, I am glad to see all of your blogs and I am always here for you, I love you and although I could never understand what you are going through, I am happy to do whatever you need (kicking included). Love you, Lo-Bag

Anonymous said...

I don't even know how I found this blog today, but my shirt is drenched in tears as I can so deeply feel another mother's pain. I am so sorry. So very sorry. I will never understand how life can be so unfair.

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