Thankful...

I love this picture of you- It's so you. Cute, adorable, squeezable.

My Sweet Girl,

Happy first Thanksgiving. Even though I just spent the entire day without you, I still can't believe you weren't here for your first Thanksgiving. Remember the little "Thankful for Mommy" outfit we bought at Kohls in early September? That day when you and Maxer were both throwing fits? I took it out of the closet today and looked at it. You would have been so adorable in it. Especially with your turkey hair bow that we picked out on our girl's night out with Ma and Grams. I clipped your bow to my shirt today.
I hate that in order to be close to your body, we had to go the cemetery. The cold, freezing cemetery. We should have spent the day chasing you around Grams & Gramps and trying to keep out of the way of the big kids. I should have laughed when you spit out the mash potatoes I tried to feed you. We survived today, but it was so obvious that you weren't there. We decorated Christmas cookies- I made sure to decorate some angel and bell cookies with purple and pink frosting just for you.

It's very easy to be mad at what we are lacking right now. It would be so easy to say we have nothing to be thankful for this year. And there is a part of me that feels that way. You have been gone for 32 days, we have an autistic two year old, a kitchen floor that is ripped apart and an oven hanging out in the middle of the floor. But truly, we have a lot to be thankful for.

I am so thankful that you are my daughter. 
I am thankful that you were here for those nine months and nine days. I am thankful that I get to be your Mama and that I could hold you whenever I wanted to during those amazing nine months.
I am thankful for your smile, your fuzzy head and chunky thighs.
I am thankful for your silly giggle and your "hey look at me" holler.
I am thankful that I don't think you suffered that last horrible day.
I am thankful for all those doctors and nurses that tried so hard to save you.
I am thankful for the smell of you on your giraffe. It's fading fast, but it's still there. 
I am thankful for Maxer. I am especially thankful for those times when he lets us into his little world. 
I am thankful for the hugs and cuddles we get from Max.
I am thankful for his amazing laugh and big smile and one dimple.
Sadly, I am thankful for the Wonder Pets. That stupid show made you just as happy as it makes Max.
I am thankful for your Dada. I don't have to tell you- you know how amazing he is. He has taken really good care of Maxer and me since you left. I am definitely thankful for Dada.
I am thankful for our families. They have kept us from completely losing our minds, kept us fed, and kept us company. They have done the things that we can't bring ourselves to do yet.
I am thankful for our friends. For their daily calls, for their meals, for their visits. Thankful that they listen to me talk and talk, even if they are sick of hearing it, they never say anything. I am thankful that they let me talk about you as much as I want- I want to talk about you.

I would give anything, ANYTHING, to have you back. I won't say that I want you back for just one more hug or cuddle, because that's not true. I want you back forever. I want millions of kisses and snuggles. I want all of our dreams and hopes for you back. We are sad without you Peanut. It's nearly impossible without you here. But tonight, I am going to be thankful for what we do have left and we did have with you.

I am thankful for you baby girl.
I love you forever,
Mama



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