Thursday, November 11, 2010

Our bright light

As Max ran down the hall towards Dave in the bathroom tonight to brush his teeth, it was glaringly obvious that she was missing. We always got the kids ready for bed at the same time. Ellie should have been there tonight. Usually she was crabby at this time of night, but as soon as we went upstairs to get ready for bed, she was usually pretty happy until she decided she wanted her bottle. She liked our little routine.
I know she would have been crawling by now. She was so close. She'd push herself way up on her hands and occasionally, accidently, get up on her knees. She'd pivot this way and that way on her tummy. Ellie was so anxious to get into whatever was going on, that I know she would have gotten sick of rolling everywhere by now and started crawling.
I just know that she would be chasing Max down the hallway. Dave said she'd probably stop half way down the hallway and give us a goofy smile. She would be so proud of herself and she would want to make sure that we noticed how cute she was. And of course, we would.
Today was the first morning that I had to get Max up by myself and be here alone for breakfast time. Max is always crabby in the morning and a lot of times breakfast is a huge disaster- his hunger is always known! Ellie would sit in front of the fridge and happily play with her farm magnets until I put her in the high chair where she would demand "mo-mo" (more) puffs. Today, after a small fit, Max ate his breakfast quietly. The silence was deafening. Dave at work, Max in his own world to my right and Elle's empty highchair to my left... I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. Ellie has left this incredible hole in our lives.

A friend mentioned to me what an effect Ellie's life and death has had on so many people. I guess I can't say I'm surprised. We have always known how amazing she was and I knew that her life was going to be different than the rest of us. Everyday I wonder why. Why did this happen to her? Why did this happen to us? I'm not sure there is an answer to this question. But I do know that we are going to make sure that people never forget our beautiful baby girl. Ellie was so happy, so full of joy. She liked to make people smile. She knew she made people happy and she liked to do it. I feel like its our job to keep spreading joy and happiness in her memory.
Dave and I are so grateful for all the support we have received from people. Our friends and family have been amazing. People we haven't talked to or seen in years have sent cards and offered many kind words of support. Almost complete strangers have provided us with support. We wouldn't be able to keep going without everyone. Even the simple "just checking in" note reminds us there are people out there that care. Its sad to think that it took Ellie's death to cause such an outpouring of support. But I think in some way, all the love and kindness we are experiencing, is Ellie's doing. I think its her little way of taking care of us right now.

Ellie's absence is paralyzing. She was such a bright light in our lives. But even though its not the same light, I can still see it shining.

Right after the first time she rolled over. I miss that sweet face soooo much!


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