One month and one day ago, I packed up the diaper bag and put you in the carseat. I was so excited. I knew you were going to love it. At first you were too sure but once things got going... you were the star. Music class was an instant hit. You clapped those chubby hands, bounced up and down and did your funny back and forth dance. You were so excited you wouldn't even sit on my lap; you had to move! The smile never left your face. You sang/ squealed along with the teacher. In between the sticks, shakers and bells, you checked out the cute little boy next to you. Those big blue eyes watched it all intently and I could just see you soaking up the world around you.
Before I had you and Maxer, I dreamed of taking you guys out in the world and giving you as many experiences as possible. That day at music class was exactly what I had always pictured.
Today, we should have been at our second music class. Instead, Dada, Max, Grandma, Papa and I went out to the cemetery. We hung jingle bells (bells for my Belle) strung on a pink ribbon from a tree branch that hangs over your grave. While we were there, the chapel bells rang. I guess that was the song you requested...
I can't make sense of this. My mind, my heart can't understand why I went to the cemetery and tied a pink ribbon and teddy bear around a temporary gravemarker instead of watching you bang two sticks together with a goofy smile plastered on your face. "I miss you" seems to fall way too short of how I feel. I picture your little hands, your one ear that stuck out more than the other, your long eyelashes. I smell you on your giraffe. I can see you on and hear you on the videos... its not enough. A Mama shouldn't be without her baby.
I love you Sweet Girl. You are always in my thoughts. I know you will always be with me... I just wish you didn't feel so far away.
Sweet dreams Peanut!
Love, Mama
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| When life was perfect... |
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| Our Angel |
Ellie and her blankie
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| Elle and Dada- I love that little smirk K. Holly Photography |
2 comments:
I've always had this overwhelming sense of anxiety about being a mother to Peyton. I feel like it's such a huge responsibility & that I am completely vulnerable. I will worry about her everyday she & I are both here. Granted, she's had health problems & other issues & after reading your story I think i'm more scared that I was before. I know how tangible life is, as we almost lost her before she was even born. It's so hard to understand how something you wanted so badly could just be ripped away for no reason. While everyone else is all puppy dogs & rainbows. I've cried many tears for you in just a few short days. I can't even begin to understand how she got sick so quick & left. It doesn't make any sense.
I know i'm just rambling now, I just felt like I had to reach out to you for some reason (if you think i'm crazy--i'm ok with that lol). If you feel like sharing more (or emailing) about the underlying COD they put, it would really mean a lot to me to understand it. Is that something that *should* show up on a standard blood test, is what I guess i'm asking. Like you said, I've always had a gut instinct that something is very very wrong with our LO & she's had her history of problems. If you want to email me it's realisticdreams424 at hotmail dot com. If not, I understand. And I hope you know that even though you are however far away, I'm thinking of your family & your little angel, on a daily basis.
What a beautiful family! I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the loss of a child. We lost our son, Derek, at the age of 16 in a car accident. One minute, life was busy and normal and the next... well it will never be the same. You are a changed person from here forward.. you will discover a "New" you. BUT it takes time... Acceptance... I don't think that EVER happens. You just learn to live with your loss a create a New life, life without them and you MISS them sooo much. That never goes away. It has been 8 years for us, we have come a long way, but still have our moments. We belong to Compassionate Friends and that helped immensely. It is a group that you can belong to.. but the fee is hefty.. the life of your child. It is a group for people that have lost a child.. all members "Get It". So many think they are losing their minds.. you are not, it is normal, all a part of grief. If you want to talk, just let me know. You are still in the shock phase, and will be there for awhile. I will pray for you and your family, I will pray God may give you strength. And to my son to welcome your daughter into Heaven... He LOVED kids, I am sure he will play with her! I feel those of us connected here on earth, that our loved ones in Heaven have a connection too. Take Care.. do what feels right for you! It is ok to cry, everyday, it is all part of healing. Take Care and God Bless!
Sandy
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