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| "Why's it have to go from good to gone?" - Rascal Flatts |
Cleaning, cooking, running errands, dishes, laundry.... All normal parts of everyday life for a stay at home mom. Things that I used to do everyday. Sometimes they irritated me, but mostly I didn't mind. I liked being home with the kids and even, kind of, enjoyed some of the chores. Our house wasn't by any means spotless- we did have two kids- and I wasn't exactly cooking five course meals for dinner every night. But I did keep up with all the housework and think that I generally kept things running pretty smoothly.
Since Ellie died, I haven't done a single chore. Practically every surface of the house is cluttered with photos, papers, blankets, books, clothes, and so on. There are three overflowing baskets of clean laundry sitting on the living room floor. Dave washed them today. I know I need to fold them. Just looking at them makes my heart start to race, my throat feel tight...
I feel like if I start doing "normal" things again, its like I am accepting that Elle is gone. I feel like I am being forced to move on and leave her behind. How can I leave her behind? I don't want to leave her behind. I'm not ready. Dave has to go back to work tomorrow too. I don't want to find a new "normal"; I want our old normal back. I want my peanut.
I haven't cried today. Its the first day I haven't cried since she died. Today it feels like when you are watching a scary movie, and you know that axe wielding psychopath is around the next corner but the stupid blond teenager doesn't. That feeling when you are holding your breath, your heart is pounding so loud you can hear it in your ears. Dread. You know whats coming next. Its scary and you don't want it. But its coming anyways.
Its out there, in the living room. No pinks, no purples, no cute little dresses and skirts, no leggings or ruffle butt pants. Today my axe wielding psychopath is a basket of laundry.
"Here comes goodbye
Here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
She was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye..."
- Rascal Flatts
1 comments:
Hi Tiffany,
I do not know you but was directed to your Blog by a co-worker. My heart is so heavy for you as you are forced to deal with this loss. I keep searching for some magic words that could make you all feel better - there are none. I have know others who have lost children and the struggles they experience, and like you they think of the future and what could have and should have been. Personally I am captured by what you had in your precious daughter; the happy energetic loving little gal. I once read that to love and lose is better then to never have loved at all. Not sure if I agree with it but do know that loving is awesome. I think of all the children that never will experience a happy loving home like yours. Then I wonder why those children live into adulthood with so many problems from not having a loving home and parents that truly love them. Why do they live and your precious baby does not. There are more questions then answers. I think of a Bible Verse that offered comfort to 2 other families that lost children. Isaih 57:1 no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.
Perhaps God knew of something that would come in her future that would be so tramatic for her and you that he chose to bring her to heaven to spare her from something worse. I want you to know that I am following your blog as you continue grieving. I pray daily for you and if I ever come up with those magic words they will be sent your way ASAP. For now this I know for sure: Ellie had the best family in the world, you gave her so much, willingly. She was not a burden but a joy!! She brightened your days and you brightened hers. If every child could be loved as you love your daughter think what a wonderful world this would be.
Sharon
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