Friday, November 19, 2010

This place

People keep saying I can't imagine what you are going through. They're right. Unless you've been to this horrible place, you don't know. Its like a roller coaster you can't get off of- up and down and around, over and over again. It's like we woke up one day and were living someone else's life in a place faraway from home.

It's sad here. Sometimes the sadness is raw like a skinned knee. Sometimes it seems like the sadness and hurt is starting to settle in. I think I can actually feel the pain starting to sink into my bones, it's making itself at home.

It's angry and rageful here. The anger is like waves, sometimes they aren't so big but other times they beat against the shore with the force of a hurricane. The only difference is here, you don't know the storm is coming, it just shows up without warning.

It's exhausting here too. All the sadness, the anger, they take up a lot of energy. My mind is tired from trying to figure out where how we got here. Since you aren't ever hungry here and your thoughts are so loud they keep you from sleeping, your body is tired too. The aches, headaches, upset stomach, shaky hands and blurry eyes make normal tasks that much harder to do. I feel like I am always making through sand with concrete boots on.

Sometimes its happy here. Something will distract us for a moment and we might laugh or smile. But usually guilt shows up then. How could we possibly be happy or smiling without her? How could we enjoy anything when she is not here to enjoy it with us? Thankfully, Max is here. Max makes us happy.

Sometimes its peaceful here too. I know my girl is safe and happy where she is. I know nothing bad can ever happen to her again. I know she will be waiting for us when we finally get to be with her again. Generally, I feel like we gave her everything we could- I don't feel like we have ever taken our kids forgranted. I have always known that anything can happen at anytime, you need to make the most out of every day you have with your babies.

But sometimes regret shows up here. I should have taken more pictures and videos. I should have just put her in bed with us those nights I wanted to sleep next to her. I should have kept nursing her longer, maybe she wouldn't have gotten so sick. I should have known how sick she was earlier and done something about it. I should have let them turn off the ECMO earlier and save her small body from further damage.

I'm still not quiet sure how we got here. I don't like it here. We want our old lives back. This place isn't good. I don't like going to bed at night because I don't like waking up here in the morning. I want to wake up tomorrow in our old life. Our perfect life. Somehow we got a one-way ticket to the place where no one wants to go.

Father's Day 2010


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