Changed

Beautiful, beautiful girl

Dear Kohls, Please do not place the toddler boys pjs with the pink baby girl pjs. I don't want to have to hold my breath while I shop for Max's nightwear. 

Dear Cash-Register-Traffic-Control Lady, Please do not look at my stroller full of merchandise and ask where my baby is. Do not tell me that there are usually a lot of babies out doing their Black Friday shopping but not this year. Don't ask me where they are this year. Don't ask me where my baby is again. Because you don't want the truth.

Dear Old Navy, Please remove all cute little girl's clothing from your stores so that I may one day return to your retail location.

Dear Target, Please take all pink or purple clothing, especially the small ones, any tiny Christmas pjs, socks and Santa dresses and put them in a trailer outside in the parking lot. Please add all pink lullaby singing seahorses, pink & purple tea pot sets, frilly dressed dolls and pink ride-upon cars. Thank you.

As I looked around at all the happy, crazy shoppers today at the mall, I realized I'm not like them anymore. Yes, I survived shopping today. But it was really hard. I looked around at all the things I would have bought for our little girl to enjoy on Christmas morning, and it hurt. It was sad. I wonder if it will feel like this every year from now on, if it will hurt like this...
I think it will. I don't see how it could not. This year it's the Santa dress, but next year it will just be something else. Next year, dolls. The next year, princess dresses and tiaras. Then arts & crafts supplies. In ten years, little earrings & bracelets. It will always be something. There will always be something missing. Ellie will always be missing. We won't ever be like we were before. We are forever changed.