Without her

Sometimes it just hits. Like driving straight into a brick wall, full force. Except I'm pretty sure that wouldn't hurt as bad.

Tonight I was rocking Max and reading "Hop on Pop" before bed. When mid-story it hit. Ellie is dead. She is not coming back. My baby got sick and I couldn't make her better. She is gone. I don't get to hold her anymore. I can't take care of her anymore. Ellie isn't just at my parent's house. She won't be back. I have to stay here and keep going without her.

Even though we have been "living" for 34 days without her, it's like I am feeling her absence for the first time. It's a new heartbreak every time. It hurts more than it did the day she died. I wonder if that day will always just seem like a bad dream or if it will ever feel real. This is almost worse than five Sundays ago, when it all started. At least now I am sure she's not suffering. Now, it's just us that hurts.

And nothing can make the hurt go away. Tonight, nothing helps. Pictures, videos, her blankies, her giraffe... nothing. Even my new friend, Valium, won't make it go away. It's here. She's gone but the pain is here. That's a shitty trade. We arrived at the hospital with a beautiful baby girl and left with a huge hole in our hearts that nothing will ever be able to fill.

Sometimes I swear we must have done something to deserve this, to feel like this. What could we have possibly done to deserve such a punishment- to be without her for the rest of our lives?

Tonight, I wonder if you can actually die of a broken heart, because sometimes I think I am going to just quit breathing. Like my body is just going to stop working, like it doesn't want to be without her either...

"Why's it have to go from good to gone.

Before the lights turn on

and you're left alone..."



Look how pretty my girl was...