Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It doesn't matter

Little man. Do you know how much we love you? You are so cute. Your big blue eyes, your one dimple and wild and crazy hair. Long legs and cute little butt. You crack us up- you always have. Daddy and I worked so hard to get you and you have defintely kept us on our toes. Its funny but I can hardly remember our lives before you. You are my first baby. You taught me so many things about being a mom, being selfless and you taught me how to look at the world differently. I'm pretty sure most moms say the same things about their first baby. Becoming a parent is the most incredible thing you can experience- its indescribable. But you taught me to see the world differently because you see the world differently than most people.
The day Ellie died we watched a lot of home videos. Afterwards, Daddy and I were talking in the kitchen and we both noticed how much you changed in the last nine months. Of course you got bigger and more handsome (or sand-some, as you say...), but we saw you retreating into your own little world. When we brought Ellie home from the hospital you were really starting to talk and you would play with us. Now, you talk but not like you did then. And you don't really play with us anymore. Its like Mommy and Daddy were watching you slip away from us. It scares me to think that you could keep shrinking away from us. We still get lots of hugs and cuddles ("cu-cus") from you but you don't hardly let us read you stories anymore.
In the next couple days, some ladies from the school district will send us some paperwork.
That paperwork is going to say you have autism. Its going to say that you have trouble leaving your world and coming into ours. Its going to say that you will have to work harder than most kids to make friends and have fun playing games. Its going to say we will have to work really hard if we want you to keep up with kids your age. Its going to say that some of the things we love most about you- your quirky routines, the way you climb into small tubs & drawers, and your incredible memory, are actually signs that something is wrong.
But what its not going to say is how much Mommy and Daddy love you. We don't like that some things are going to be harder for you. We hate it. I hate to think that you would ever be without friends- you are an amazing little guy, who wouldn't want to be your friend? It scares me to think that you might not be interested in making friends. I fear that you are lonely trapped in your little world. You seem happy- I don't think you are lonely. But the thought that you wouldn't even be able to tell me you are lonely, breaks my heart. Because even if you stay trapped in your world of patterns and routine forever, you won't ever be by yourself. We will always be here. And we love you no matter what.
I also want you to know that we loved Ellie so much. I know you don't understand what has been happening around here the last couple weeks. But I have this huge fear that somewhere in the back of your mind, you think we just got rid of Ellie. Because I left the house with her and when we came back she wasn't with us. Part of me is glad you are so young and oblivious to the world around you because I don't think you miss Ellie. I think you know she's not here and thats it. But I am sad you missed out on a relationship with her when she was here. I am sad you never got to say goodbye. I am sorry that you don't understand why Mommy is so sad. But I need you to know that we wanted, more than anything, to bring Ellie home with us that night. Mommy and Daddy didn't pick this for Ellie.
Max, right now- you are our reason. I get out of bed for you. No matter what that paperwork says, you are our boy and we love you. Just like its doesn't matter where Ellie is, she is our girl and we love her.
I love you Max.


Desiree said...

Your strength is amazing. I really have no words.....just praying for your family.

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