Sunday, November 14, 2010

Just us

They were moving all around us. There were at least seven of them. Each so concentrated on their task, they barely noticed I was there. They just climbed over me so they could get done what they needed to. One kept adjusting the settings on her ventilator. One was frantically trying to get in as many medications as possible, on whatever line was available. Two were checking yet another bag of blood products. One was on the computer, trying to keep track of everything being done and put into her. Another stood on her left side with a large needle trying, unsuccessfully, to get yet another line placed into her groin. One stood next to me, moving the pulse oximeter probe from extremity to extremity, trying to get it to work on her cold grey fingers.

I knew they were there. But I felt like it was just us. I sat up by her head on her right side, laid my head down next to hers, held her cold hand, tucked her blankie up next to her face, closed my eyes and sang her "Baby Beluga" over and over again. It was all I could do for her. So thats what I did. While the craziness swirled around us, I did my best to make sure my baby girl knew I was there. I hope she knew I was there, because thats all I could do for her.

Today we went to the cemetery and made Ellie her first snowman. Because that's all we can do for her.

It even has a goofy smile like our peanut

Ellie's snowman next to her grave. We hung bells and some other things in the tree for her.


Stacy Evans said...

That snowman is a beautiful monument to a beautiful girl.

Annie said...

Just wanted to say that you are still in our hearts and minds. You are so strong mama, even if you don't feel like you are sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Your beautiful Ellie has touched me deeply in my soul and I've only known her for 4 days. Although I don't know you, I would give anything for you to hold your daughter again. Ellie may seem far away, but she really is only a breath away. Your daughter will never be forgotten by her loving family- nor by me.

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